Writing has been going well. The novel is in bits from a narrative perspective and I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but the ideas are flowing, which is a relief. I think writing this novel could swing one of two ways - it will either be my making or undoing. It's one of those knife edge things. The trouble, being a writer, is that I constantly riddled with uncertainty and self doubt. Can I write? Are any of the words I put together any good? Should I just go and get a normal job?
I'm always looking for validation. I'm like a little kid learning to do new things in life, looking to adult figures to nod and say 'yes, dear, that's the way.' Last week, though, I received an email confirming that I would be a featured poet in February on the online literary review site, Nthposition. Not only that, but it is archived in the British Library, so I'm chuffed that once I'm dead and gone, a little part of me will last. Who knows, maybe somebody might even read my poetry in years to come. That would be nice! So, now I'm feeling warm and comfortable like an apple pie. I feel that maybe possibly I can write and should carry on with this psychological tussle which requires an enormous dollop of self belief in order to get this novel done.
On another point entirely, but necessary to fit with the title of this blog, I have begun ebaying again. I boycotted it for a while after a nasty incident involving a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. But we won't dwell. So far this month, the list of ebay purchases are:
A digital SLR camera (not for me!)
An intelligent LED light for the Biorb
A cable tidy
A water siphon
A Krups kettle
A cross trainer exercise machine
A 30 litre Biorb
Little wonder, then, that we have no money left for the rest of the month and must eat beans on toast for the next two weeks. The trouble with ebay is that it doesn't feel like you're actually spending money. I've always thought that about internet shopping, actually. It must have something to do with the removal of the process of touching the item and taking it to the checkout and so on. But with ebay, there is another element involved that makes it so addictive, and that's the whole thing to do with 'winning' the auction. I am highly competitive - I can't stand being beaten, not even at board games. It isn't surprising, then, that I get completely carried away with ebay if I get outbid. It moves beyond winning the item and becomes much more about beating the person who is bidding against me. And then there's that rush of something like adrenalin when the time runs out and you win your item. This is usually accompanied by air punching and victorious hissing of 'Yesssss!' And it doesn't have to be a big item either - the same ecstasy accompanied the win of the water siphon as it did with the camera.
So, I think I may have to give ebay a miss for a little while, not because I don't like it, but because I could end up spending a silly amount of money on stupid things like, ooo I don't know, cigarette cards, screws, extension leads, foil stars. I wonder if there is an Ebayers anonymous? Hmmmm.
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