Silly season

Me and horror movies do not mix. They never have. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that me and anything of the paranormal variety do not mix. I am scared of everything associated with it. I don't like this time of year for a number of reasons:

1. Trick or treaters. I remember when I was small and there was a spate of attacks where people did really nasty things in the guise of a 'trick' on Halloween. Ever since then a knot of fear coils in my stomach every time the doorbell rings on Halloween.

2. The abundance of horror movies they show on TV at this time of year.

3. The fear that something spooky might actually happen to me and I'd never get over it.

The big sticking point is that despite acknowledging my fear of everything paranormal, I am a bit like a moth to a flame with it. There is something darkly attractive about it. I am fascinated by, and curious about it, but at the same time utterly terrified of it. I've seen scary horror movies - I watched 'The Ring,' (the scariest movie ever made to my mind) and felt quite disturbed for a number of days afterwards. When I was in my teens I took delight in the horrific thrill of watching the series of Nightmare on Elm Street movies at countless sleepovers and suffered sleepless nights for weeks afterwards, sleeping with the light on. Yes, cliched but true.

I'd have thought that by the time I reached my thirties, I'd be over it. But no. I still find myself drawn to things that terrify me. For the past few nights I have been glued to 'Most Haunted Live' on the Living channel. The sensible side of me understands a lot of it must be faked, the rational part of me - the part that has studied the human mind - understands that the power of suggestion and belief can stir up some crazy things when a group of people are put together. But STILL I sit and cower in the corner of the sofa. I become rooted to the spot, unable to go to the kitchen to get a cup of tea, or go up to the loo, in case something comes and gets me.

So why do I do it? Why do I put myself through this? The psychologist in me analyses and identifies it as what's called 'threat rehearsal.' Evolutionists have a theory that nightmarish dreams serve a similar purpose - we rehearse threats in our mind and unconscious, so that we can better deal with them when faced with them. Naturally, back in the day we were chased by predators such as wild animals - not zombies or ghosts, but time and evolution distorts the picture.

However, much as I indulge my fear, I do draw the line somewhere. I believe that some things just shouldn't be messed with, which is why I got so upset with Yvette Fielding and her Most Haunted show the other night. Call me stuffy, call me a whimp, but I don't think invoking the devil is a terribly brilliant idea, especially when it's supposed to be for the purpose of 'entertainment.' But that's exactly what they did. There they were, standing in a circle of salt, chanting chilling incantations to summon the 'Lord of Darkness.' I really couldn't believe it. I don't care if it is fake, represents light entertainment, or that it is intended to be taken with a pinch of salt - it's silly. What worries me is that ill informed people will go off and do a similar thing, not understanding it. While I don't think anyone could invoke the devil, they could seriously psychologically damage themselves in the belief that they have, and the consequences of believing that they did.

It's all very well to indulge your fears at a safe distance, it's healthy, it helps you rationalize them. It's why horror movies and Most Haunted rake in viewers and money by the bucketful - and the producers know it. When, however, shows like Most Haunted irresponsibly air content that pushes the boundaries of light entertainment, where instead of bumps and knocks, they push for demonic manifestations, it's time to switch off the television and do something else.

The Thinning

Just after I got back from Spain, which is 6 weeks ago now, I pledged to lose weight. I made all sorts of claims and resolutions and then went very quiet about the whole thing. Well....today marks the end of the sixth week of starvation and yes, there have been results!! So far, my total weight loss is (drum roll) 1 stone, 2lbs. The two pounds has to be taken with a pinch of salt as my bathroom scales like to fib. They tell me I've lost a certain amount, and then take great joy in fluctuating, causing me to stress and think I am rubbish. The one stone, however, is solid weight loss i.e there's no fluctuation. Thank god I FINALLY seem to be winning the battle. I say 'seem,' because I don't like to take my resolve and determination for granted. Picture it as a very fragile plant - I have to keep watering and feeding my psychological state of mind to keep it going. It doesn't, and won't, take much to kill it.

So I'm allowing myself a little blog room to celebrate a bit. I can't stand it when people resolve to lose weight and do nothing but talk about it non-stop. My belief is that by putting it at the forefront of your mind one hundred percent of the time causes you to obsess about it and then you're more likely to fail. What I try to do is just get on with it, and hope the scales are kind to me at the end of each week.

Last week I invested in two secret weapons to reinforce my weight loss scaffold. The first was a dancersize DVD, which makes me feel nine stone heavier than I am and must make me look like a demented walrus when I do it. Still, it does the trick. By the time I get to the end of the dance track I am purple and gasping. My second weapon is a cross trainer. I get to run without the impact and without having to go out in the street where a) it would be cold and b) people would point and laugh at me! The cross trainer is great, not only for the fact that it looks like a proper piece of gym equipment, so just owning it makes me feel fit, but also (for the time being, at least) it is good fun. But hey, we'll see how long that lasts.

I suppose, like anything you really want, you have to keep plugging away at it, reminding yourself why you're doing it and why you're putting yourself through it. I'm just not looking forward to Christmas.....my mouth is watering already!

On being published and the trouble with Ebay

Writing has been going well. The novel is in bits from a narrative perspective and I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but the ideas are flowing, which is a relief. I think writing this novel could swing one of two ways - it will either be my making or undoing. It's one of those knife edge things. The trouble, being a writer, is that I constantly riddled with uncertainty and self doubt. Can I write? Are any of the words I put together any good? Should I just go and get a normal job? 

I'm always looking for validation. I'm like a little kid learning to do new things in life, looking to adult figures to nod and say 'yes, dear, that's the way.' Last week, though, I received an email confirming that I would be a featured poet in February on the online literary review site, Nthposition. Not only that, but it is archived in the British Library, so I'm chuffed that once I'm dead and gone, a little part of me will last. Who knows, maybe somebody might even read my poetry in years to come. That would be nice! So, now I'm feeling warm and comfortable like an apple pie. I feel that maybe possibly I can write and should carry on with this psychological tussle which requires an enormous dollop of self belief in order to get this novel done.

On another point entirely, but necessary to fit with the title of this blog, I have begun ebaying again. I boycotted it for a while after a nasty incident involving a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. But we won't dwell. So far this month, the list of ebay purchases are:

A digital SLR camera (not for me!)

An intelligent LED light for the Biorb 

A cable tidy

A water siphon

A Krups kettle

A cross trainer exercise machine

A 30 litre Biorb

Little wonder, then, that we have no money left for the rest of the month and must eat beans on toast for the next two weeks. The trouble with ebay is that it doesn't feel like you're actually spending money. I've always thought that about internet shopping, actually. It must have something to do with the removal of the process of touching the item and taking it to the checkout and so on. But with ebay, there is another element involved that makes it so addictive, and that's the whole thing to do with 'winning' the auction. I am highly competitive - I can't stand being beaten, not even at board games. It isn't surprising, then, that I get completely carried away with ebay if I get outbid. It moves beyond winning the item and becomes much more about beating the person who is bidding against me. And then there's that rush of something like adrenalin when the time runs out and you win your item. This is usually accompanied by air punching and victorious hissing of 'Yesssss!' And it doesn't have to be a big item either - the same ecstasy accompanied the win of the water siphon as it did with the camera.

So, I think I may have to give ebay a miss for a little while, not because I don't like it, but because I could end up spending a silly amount of money on stupid things like, ooo I don't know, cigarette cards, screws, extension leads, foil stars. I wonder if there is an Ebayers anonymous? Hmmmm.

Lost in Austen and not wanting to be found!

Hell's bells! It's already October. Time surely flies. I've even spotted the shops doing that cheeky thing of strategically placing Christmas wrapping paper rolls in boxes around their stores, in the hope of achieving some subliminal messaging, kind of like in Fight Club, where Brad Pitt pops up for one frame, to inform our subconscious minds. Of what, I'm not quite sure. Never did understand that movie.

But I digress...

Now that it's October, the nights are drawing in. It's dark by tea time, and the pathetic excuse we had for a summer has well and truly disappeared. Strictly Come Dancing is back on the telly, waging its annual war with the X Factor...again. Yes, it's that time of year when we hibernate. We stay indoors, except for a brief moment on November 5th, where, like the English wallies we are, we venture out into the chill night air. It's the time of year to bed down, snuggle into our duvets and spend time wishing we had a multi fuel burning stove in our fireplaces instead of an aquarium. Oh, no, that's just me.

Personally, I quite like this time of year - it's the lull before the festive mayhem, when you have time to slop around the house on the weekend in your slipper socks and cosy bathrobe. I've been getting into the idea of 'stopping in,' instead of 'going out' to summer barbies, and I recently bought (on the recommendation of some fellow writers - they know who thay are) 'Lost in Austen' on DVD, for those cold nights, when my partner is fighting imaginary snipers on his computer, and I need some heartwarming, eighteenth century fluff.

OK, so the series is only four, fort-five minute episodes long, but enough, I thought, to last a month. One episode a week - quite sufficient. Oh how wrong I was! I thought I did quite well to stretch the series across two sessions, but that was all I could manage.

In case you don't know, the basic premise of the series is that a modern day woman (Amanda Price) escapes the stresses of her everyday existence, by reading Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. One evening, she finds Elizabeth Bennet in her bathroom, and a doorway that leads into the novel itself. The 'fish out of water' situation allows for plenty of humourous moments, and the clever casting permits quite a bit of eye candy - Darcy, Wickham, Bingley.

Yes, it's romantic fluff. Plenty of die-hard, purist Austen fans will be disgusted that the plot of Pride and Prejudice is skewed and meddled with, but for somebody like me, who has never read the actual novel, I was immune to it. I totally loved it!! It's a girlie thing. It makes you want to eat chocolate and ice-cream. It makes you feel like Bridget Jones. It makes you all romantic and silly inside. 

The best bit is, naturally, the 'lake scene,' which has now, thanks largely to Helen Fielding, become an iconic moment. The Lost in Austen lake scene does not disappoint, and is even better, I hazard, than the Colin Firth version. The unsung hero of the piece, in my humble opinion, is Hugh Bonneville, who fits the role of Mr Bennet as though it was written just for him.

Bravo! Bravo! Now I need to find something else to warm the cockles of my heart of an autum evening. I wonder if the Thornbirds is available on DVD?