Sadness and Happiness

I resolved to write more frequently in my last Blog entry, and that didn't happen. Recently, it seems, life has been quite busy.

My grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago, which was very distressing. The level of upset this caused surprised me. I'm not saying that the death of a loved one isn't always distressing, but, in my grandfather's case, his death was more of an imminent possibility than a vague inevitability. It wasn't as though it wasn't expected - he was suffering from advance stages of dementia, had given up eating, and had just come out of a prolonged stay in hospital. Nevertheless, the speed at which he declined and then passed away surprised us all as, physically at least, he seemed in good health.

What upset me most was the figurative drawing of a line under that generation. He was the sole remaining survivor of 7 brothers and sisters, all of whom are now gone, along with their spouses. And his passing also represents the end of my living grandparents, which is sad and scary as the people who now take place at the head of the line are much closer to home. Still, death doesn't necessarily happen in any chronological order or set pattern, but you get my drift.

One happy thing, however, is that after this period of sadness, P and I are heading off to the Caribbean on Saturday for a week long cruise. I'm sliiightly nervous that we will be the youngest couple on board, but I am assured that we won't be. We are really excited about it, and can't wait to be there. As a result of our impending trip, I am eye-deep in washing and ironing. I've also looked long and hard at my case, wondering how on earth I am going to fit everything in it, for a cruise brings with it such fashion dilemmas as 'formal evenings,' requiring cocktail dresses and ballgowns - very 'Titanic.' I can't help feeling that that side of things is a little bit, if not very, pretentious, but we'll give it a go in order to get an informed opinion about it. I don't think P has thought much further than the nine hour plane journey, as he has a phobia of flying, and a trans atlantic flight represents something from which his worst nightmares are formed. Still, with the lure of a once in a lifetime holiday and the opportunity for a bit of coral reef snorkelling, the carrot on this particular stick is enticing enough to get him aboard the flight.

I hope, once we return, that I will report back on our adventures, but you never know. I am not as much of a committed Blogger as I once was. These days I find it much easier to get into my writing, which is a good thing, but not so great on the Blog maintenance front.

New things

Apologies for the paucity of recent blogs. The only excuse I can really muster is that I have been busy writing. Which pleases me. It means that I'm not using this space quite so much as a displacement activity. Still, I'm determined not to neglect it.

I made a big decision about the novel, namely that I have decided to shelve it for a while, while I concentrate on something different. This new project falls within the bracket, I guess, of chicklit, but hopefully not chicklit for chicklit's sake. I hope, at least, to make some points in it. I'm hoping that people won't find being confronted by somebody with cancer in the first couple of pages too much of a turn off. I know chicklit is meant to be all warm and fluffy, but there's no reason why art can't mimic life once in a while. So, for the time being, the more literary novel (I shouldn't say that because chicklit is equally challenging to write) is on hold.....to be continued.

As they say, watch this space!

Which one?

So, who will win the american presidency election? Who will get the keys to the White House and park their bottom in the Oval Office, where so many other notable Presidential bottoms have parked before?

My money, for what it's worth, is on Barack Obama. Well, at least I'm hoping that will be the case because the prospect of Sarah Palin becoming Vice President seems quite a scary one. I don't know a huge amount about American Politics - it all seems very confusing - but from what I do know about Sarah Palin, her views are a little tooooo conservative for the twenty first century. Anyone who tried to ban books, for heaven's sake, cannot be trusted to support any kind of free thought.

According to most of the news sites and Radio 4, after the last day of campaigning, Obama was still favourite to win, but McCain seemed to be hot on his trail if the last minute polls were anything to go by. I wonder how long it will take them to count the votes? I presume a lot longer than it takes here, judging by the fact they have almost three times as many votes to count. And they'll want to make sure they do it properly after the fiasco in 2000. Whatever happens, we can be sure that our news broadcasts will be dominated by the results as much as if it were a British General Election. I'm hoping that the outcome will be the right one and not, as Matt Damon put it, like a 'Bad Disney movie,' with a hockey mum (Palin) on the winning side.

Biorbopolis

It seems right that as so many people are interested in my aquarium and the antics of the fish and other inhabitants, I should set up a blog spot just to track the everyday goings on in the Biorb. So that's exactly what I've done! It's not going to be anoraky, I'm not going to talk about ph levels and all that kind of stuff in the new blog - there are plenty of forums out there that already do just that. No, my Biorbopolis blog will just be "a day in the life of" style thing.

It's amazing how fascinating fish can be, and how they really do have their own particular characters. I hope you'll check out the new place.

Jeepers, two blogs to maintain - will I EVER get my novel written?

Silly season

Me and horror movies do not mix. They never have. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that me and anything of the paranormal variety do not mix. I am scared of everything associated with it. I don't like this time of year for a number of reasons:

1. Trick or treaters. I remember when I was small and there was a spate of attacks where people did really nasty things in the guise of a 'trick' on Halloween. Ever since then a knot of fear coils in my stomach every time the doorbell rings on Halloween.

2. The abundance of horror movies they show on TV at this time of year.

3. The fear that something spooky might actually happen to me and I'd never get over it.

The big sticking point is that despite acknowledging my fear of everything paranormal, I am a bit like a moth to a flame with it. There is something darkly attractive about it. I am fascinated by, and curious about it, but at the same time utterly terrified of it. I've seen scary horror movies - I watched 'The Ring,' (the scariest movie ever made to my mind) and felt quite disturbed for a number of days afterwards. When I was in my teens I took delight in the horrific thrill of watching the series of Nightmare on Elm Street movies at countless sleepovers and suffered sleepless nights for weeks afterwards, sleeping with the light on. Yes, cliched but true.

I'd have thought that by the time I reached my thirties, I'd be over it. But no. I still find myself drawn to things that terrify me. For the past few nights I have been glued to 'Most Haunted Live' on the Living channel. The sensible side of me understands a lot of it must be faked, the rational part of me - the part that has studied the human mind - understands that the power of suggestion and belief can stir up some crazy things when a group of people are put together. But STILL I sit and cower in the corner of the sofa. I become rooted to the spot, unable to go to the kitchen to get a cup of tea, or go up to the loo, in case something comes and gets me.

So why do I do it? Why do I put myself through this? The psychologist in me analyses and identifies it as what's called 'threat rehearsal.' Evolutionists have a theory that nightmarish dreams serve a similar purpose - we rehearse threats in our mind and unconscious, so that we can better deal with them when faced with them. Naturally, back in the day we were chased by predators such as wild animals - not zombies or ghosts, but time and evolution distorts the picture.

However, much as I indulge my fear, I do draw the line somewhere. I believe that some things just shouldn't be messed with, which is why I got so upset with Yvette Fielding and her Most Haunted show the other night. Call me stuffy, call me a whimp, but I don't think invoking the devil is a terribly brilliant idea, especially when it's supposed to be for the purpose of 'entertainment.' But that's exactly what they did. There they were, standing in a circle of salt, chanting chilling incantations to summon the 'Lord of Darkness.' I really couldn't believe it. I don't care if it is fake, represents light entertainment, or that it is intended to be taken with a pinch of salt - it's silly. What worries me is that ill informed people will go off and do a similar thing, not understanding it. While I don't think anyone could invoke the devil, they could seriously psychologically damage themselves in the belief that they have, and the consequences of believing that they did.

It's all very well to indulge your fears at a safe distance, it's healthy, it helps you rationalize them. It's why horror movies and Most Haunted rake in viewers and money by the bucketful - and the producers know it. When, however, shows like Most Haunted irresponsibly air content that pushes the boundaries of light entertainment, where instead of bumps and knocks, they push for demonic manifestations, it's time to switch off the television and do something else.

The Thinning

Just after I got back from Spain, which is 6 weeks ago now, I pledged to lose weight. I made all sorts of claims and resolutions and then went very quiet about the whole thing. Well....today marks the end of the sixth week of starvation and yes, there have been results!! So far, my total weight loss is (drum roll) 1 stone, 2lbs. The two pounds has to be taken with a pinch of salt as my bathroom scales like to fib. They tell me I've lost a certain amount, and then take great joy in fluctuating, causing me to stress and think I am rubbish. The one stone, however, is solid weight loss i.e there's no fluctuation. Thank god I FINALLY seem to be winning the battle. I say 'seem,' because I don't like to take my resolve and determination for granted. Picture it as a very fragile plant - I have to keep watering and feeding my psychological state of mind to keep it going. It doesn't, and won't, take much to kill it.

So I'm allowing myself a little blog room to celebrate a bit. I can't stand it when people resolve to lose weight and do nothing but talk about it non-stop. My belief is that by putting it at the forefront of your mind one hundred percent of the time causes you to obsess about it and then you're more likely to fail. What I try to do is just get on with it, and hope the scales are kind to me at the end of each week.

Last week I invested in two secret weapons to reinforce my weight loss scaffold. The first was a dancersize DVD, which makes me feel nine stone heavier than I am and must make me look like a demented walrus when I do it. Still, it does the trick. By the time I get to the end of the dance track I am purple and gasping. My second weapon is a cross trainer. I get to run without the impact and without having to go out in the street where a) it would be cold and b) people would point and laugh at me! The cross trainer is great, not only for the fact that it looks like a proper piece of gym equipment, so just owning it makes me feel fit, but also (for the time being, at least) it is good fun. But hey, we'll see how long that lasts.

I suppose, like anything you really want, you have to keep plugging away at it, reminding yourself why you're doing it and why you're putting yourself through it. I'm just not looking forward to Christmas.....my mouth is watering already!

On being published and the trouble with Ebay

Writing has been going well. The novel is in bits from a narrative perspective and I don't know whether I'm coming or going, but the ideas are flowing, which is a relief. I think writing this novel could swing one of two ways - it will either be my making or undoing. It's one of those knife edge things. The trouble, being a writer, is that I constantly riddled with uncertainty and self doubt. Can I write? Are any of the words I put together any good? Should I just go and get a normal job? 

I'm always looking for validation. I'm like a little kid learning to do new things in life, looking to adult figures to nod and say 'yes, dear, that's the way.' Last week, though, I received an email confirming that I would be a featured poet in February on the online literary review site, Nthposition. Not only that, but it is archived in the British Library, so I'm chuffed that once I'm dead and gone, a little part of me will last. Who knows, maybe somebody might even read my poetry in years to come. That would be nice! So, now I'm feeling warm and comfortable like an apple pie. I feel that maybe possibly I can write and should carry on with this psychological tussle which requires an enormous dollop of self belief in order to get this novel done.

On another point entirely, but necessary to fit with the title of this blog, I have begun ebaying again. I boycotted it for a while after a nasty incident involving a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes. But we won't dwell. So far this month, the list of ebay purchases are:

A digital SLR camera (not for me!)

An intelligent LED light for the Biorb 

A cable tidy

A water siphon

A Krups kettle

A cross trainer exercise machine

A 30 litre Biorb

Little wonder, then, that we have no money left for the rest of the month and must eat beans on toast for the next two weeks. The trouble with ebay is that it doesn't feel like you're actually spending money. I've always thought that about internet shopping, actually. It must have something to do with the removal of the process of touching the item and taking it to the checkout and so on. But with ebay, there is another element involved that makes it so addictive, and that's the whole thing to do with 'winning' the auction. I am highly competitive - I can't stand being beaten, not even at board games. It isn't surprising, then, that I get completely carried away with ebay if I get outbid. It moves beyond winning the item and becomes much more about beating the person who is bidding against me. And then there's that rush of something like adrenalin when the time runs out and you win your item. This is usually accompanied by air punching and victorious hissing of 'Yesssss!' And it doesn't have to be a big item either - the same ecstasy accompanied the win of the water siphon as it did with the camera.

So, I think I may have to give ebay a miss for a little while, not because I don't like it, but because I could end up spending a silly amount of money on stupid things like, ooo I don't know, cigarette cards, screws, extension leads, foil stars. I wonder if there is an Ebayers anonymous? Hmmmm.