The miracle of life

There's nothing like new parents to put you off having a baby. Well not the parents per se, but their experiences. I have been privvy, in the past, to all sorts of information about births that leave me either wincing or feeling slightly off colour. 

Anyone who knows me, also knows that I have a deep seated fear of blood. It's so bad, that even red liquid can make me feel a bit, you know - queasy. Take yesterday for example. I had to avert my eyes at a school I was visiting when the teacher did a demonstration with some water coloured with red food colouring! (when she added cornflour to it I almost had to leave the room!) So, let's face it, it's not going to take much of a birth story for me to balk at the very idea of childbirth and everything that the process entails. 

For that reason, now that I am of an age where becoming a parent is a consideration, and I have friends where that consideration is, or already has, become a reality, I always hope and pray they will have straightforward births, so I don't fret and stress about my own future. You know the kind of birth I'm talking about: the ones you see on American soaps, where the actress barely breaks a sweat through her make up, the baby arrives soft lense style, wrapped up in a gender specific coloured fleecy blanket, without even a smear of blood, (heaven forbid) all cuddly and swathed in a cloud of Johnson and Johnson baby smell. That's what I want. None of this primal screaming and, god almighty, placenta.

But I have to face facts. Life isn't like that. There's going to be a bit of pain involved. OK, I can cope with that. But, you know, my friends REALLY don't help. A couple of weeks ago, my closest friend was kind enough to wait until I got home from Spain to pop out her baby. I'll spare you the details of the whole saga. It's enough just to say that she didn't make it to the hospital on time and ended up giving birth on her bathroom floor! (it has floor to ceiling white tiles - the mental picture has been haunting me for some time now) Lucky for her the birth was complication free - I think she is built to produce children factory line style. I mean, she basically coughed and out came the baby (a little girl, in case you were wondering.) But, this hasn't helped with my whole aversion to child birth, particularly as she described her husband being 'white for a very long time afterwards.' I bet he was! 

So, if, and I stress the word if here, I ever have the inclination to have a baby, I think I'll opt for an elective caesarian. Failing that, I'll stock my bathroom with an overwhelmingly abundant supply of black towels!

Be afraid...Be VERY afraid?

We're meant to be wetting ourselves with worry about the state of the economy. There are banks going under, merging, being bailed out. There are talks of 'hedging' and 'betting' on the stock markets - which has apparently been banned - and new laws being put into practice over in the states to enable the government to take over the 'bad lending' of banks.....or something.

You see, unless you have a degree in Economics from LSE, or you're a trader in the city, or have some other method to acquire a deep understanding of the economy, I think you'd be hard pressed to find many people who actually know what the hell is going on. But nevertheless, wherever you go, people suck air through their teeth and make small talk out of 'how awful the financial situation is.' Go to a school playground, a canteen, a coffee shop - everyone is talking about it. It's the thing to be commenting on.

Yes, I know Lloyds TSB is taking over HBOS (which I only realised today stood for Halifax Bank of Scotland) and I know Lehman Brothers went under. Somebody said to me yesterday: 'If Goldman Sachs goes under, that'll be a true sign of disaster,' and I nodded my head and agreed, thinking: 'Isn't that a movie studio?' (no, that's Metro Goldwyn Mayer) Everyone is going on about 'how awful things are,' and I'm sure they are, but I just don't get it.

Ok, my loaf of bread has gone up, apparently due to rising food prices, apparently due to the credit crunch, but I can live with that. I don't have any money to speak of in any bank anywhere and I'm not about to go and withdraw it in order to keep it in a biscuit tin under the bed. I have a mortgage, and I don't plan to sell my house for the foreseeable future. I don't have stocks or shares, so I've no need to worry about that. So why should I jump on the bandwagon?

Some bloke on Question Time last night - the CEO of Next I seem to recall - berrated the people in this country for getting up in arms about the state of the economy, a panic, he argued, that has been inflated by the media and exaggerated by hyperbolic language and comment.

Perhaps I am being naive and flippant. I'm sure this credit crisis, or whatever name they're currently giving it, affects many people, but until I understand it, and until somebody can explain how it directly affects me, I'm not going to jump on the panic bandwagon and potentially contribute to exacerbating the whole problem.

Anoraks, tanks and fishy subcultures

About eight weeks ago, I invested in a fish tank. Initially, it was an interior design solution, aimed at filling the big space in the hearth in my living room. I thought an oversized fishbowl would do the job quite nicely. This plan began to blossom and grow, and before I knew it, I had bought a Biorb fish tank (which is a vast designery goldfish bowl type thing) for marine fish.

*Warning* This Blog is about to become anoraky!

Biorbs have a bad reputation. If you do a search on them, you'll find forum thread upon forum thread of people slagging them off. The main argument being that the Biorb's filtration is not good enough/modern enough to support marine fish, and that the sixty litre capacity is not big enough to house marine fish happily/safely - the idea being that they will add too much ammonia to the water via their waste, which cannot be converted well enough into nitrite and nitrate. The end result being, you end up with dead fishies.

I found all of this out AFTER I had spent £150 on my shiny new tank. I did some more frantic research and found a few people out there who had had success with their Biorbs, which renewed my confidence slightly. I hasten to add that there didn't seem to be a problem with people keeping 'normal' fish (ie coldwater/tropical) in their Biorbs, just those who were doing the all out marine thing. I quickly realised that marine husbandry is FULL of fish snobs! They can't agree on anything! 

I came across a whole new subculture of people on the internet who spoke in strange acronyms: FOWLR (which means a tank for Fish Only With Live Rock.) They argued on the compatibility of fish, the benefits of using reverse osmosis water, the stocking levels of tanks, you name it. I was amazed that people could, and did, get so heated about such a topic. I found myself enthralled, and spent hours and days researching and trawling through web age after web page of fishy facts.

So, back to the Biorb. Well, I'll spare you the whole set up performace, because that's just one anorak too far. After I'd read all the fish stuff my brain could handle, I went about setting up my marine Biorb with more knowledge and confidence. Nevertheless, I felt a bit uncomfortable going into the aquatic shop and asking for anything, for fear they would ask what kind of tank I had. I had visions of confessing to owning the Biorb and the aquatic employees slinging me out on my ear. Yes, there really is that much sniffiness towards them. 

Anyway, after putting in live rock (bits of dead coral, teeming with bugs and stuff) and waiting for the water to get to the right temperature/ph/salinity etc etc, I was allowed to add creatures! At this point, I was allowed to add a 'clean up crew,' who go around eating algae and the bugs from the live rock and who basically do good things for the tank. So, I added 4 hermit crabs, (called Sebastian 1 & 2 and George and Orwell) 2 cleaner shrimps, (called Salvador and Vincent) a black long spined (poisonous!!) sea urchin called Oliver (also referred to as Evil Oliver on account of being poisonous) and a feather duster pipe worm called Ken (after Ken Dodd and his feather duster fetish!) 

The tank became a very exciting place, and lots of things began to happen. A shrimp gave birth to a gazillion tiny shrimps, the sea urchin pooed in a most exciting way (showering hard pellets all over the place), a shrimp shed his skin, or rather his 'exoskeleton' and I thought he was dead for about fifteen minutes, a hermit crab came out of his shell, shed his skin and then got back into his shell, and Oliver filled the tank with gooey strands of something I'd rather not think about. And all this without any fish!!

I get to add fish this week, which I have to admit, is very exciting. Because it is a small tank, I am only allowed a couple of fish. This brings me back to the criticisms levied against the Biorbs. As far as I can tell, with what basic knowledge of marine husbandry I have, the Biorbs are fine PROVIDING you do what they tell you to do in the instructions. It's no good getting a Biorb and then ignoring all the advice they give you. I think many of the problems people have is that they overstock the Biorb, or try to cut corners by using their own insufficient knowledge. I've followed their instructions to the last letter and have had no problems at all. The creatures in there seem happy enough - they don't show signs of stress, like being twitchy or anything like that. So, all seems well for now at least.

I have to admit, the hobby of keeping marine fish has sucked me in completely. I've now turned into one of those anoraks who sucks air through their teeth on hearing a yellow tang is being kept in a tank below 100 litres capacity. I'm planning the next tank, which will house corals and anemones and will, of course, be much much bigger. But, if you're ever thinking of getting a Biorb, don't be put off by what you might read online. As I say, there are fish snobs out there who think they know better than anyone, and whose opinions need to be taken with a grain of salt. If I can set up a Biorb and get it to run with any level of success, then anyone can!

Return and resolutions

Well, I'm back. Spain was hot, dusty and burny as expected. I have sunburn on my legs which is still giving me jip. Thank the lord for aftersun. 

Since I've been back in Blighty, I've been off to Wales (again) to visit my brother, but now I am back home for the foreseeable future. Back to the cellar, which seems to have dropped in temperature by about seven degrees since I was last down here.

The big news is that I am going on a diet. One of these Tesco jobbies. This comes as a result of one too many tapas and FAR too many sweet things consumed on holiday. That, and looking at the vile holiday snaps of myself. But enough with the self loathing. I have a lot to lose! In the past I have dieted with moderate levels of success, but this time I have put my money where my mouth is and forked out thirty quid for ten week's membership. I've done my meal plans, printed my shopping list, and I'm ready. I felt compelled, however, to dispense with the remaining chocolate digestives in the cupboard before I begin tomorrow. Well, we'll see what happens....

I'm going to do a big Blog tomorrow about my marine aquarium. I keep saying I will, and then I don't. Other things, seemingly more important, tend to crop up. However, there is much to report and it deserves a blog entry of its own. For now, I will keep this short and sweet. I feel terribly guilty for neglecting my fledgling Blog, and promise that I'll keep more up to date from hereon in.

Back tomorrow on reports of fish and hunger pangs.

Incidentally....

I am going on holiday to Spain on Wednesday. My Blogs, though not always timely to date, will not be occurring until my return. I can't face taking my laptop to Spain with me, not because I don't love my shiny macbook air, but because of the farting about I'd have to go through at the airport in order to get it on the plane! (There are rules about whether it constitutes hand luggage/part of hand luggage or separate, which only serve to confuse me!)

This is a note to self; a reminder of what I am going to write a Blog about when I get back:

1. The lastest additions to my marine aquarium (it sounds very anoraky, and probably is, but I must indulge myself)

2. My forthcoming wheat-free, dairy free diet push in readiness for baby making.

3. My review of the 1967 movie 'In Cold Blood,' which, despite being in black and white, scared the bejesus out of me. I don't know why, but I have this perception that black and white movies will be a) crap and b) innocuous. I'm not sure what Alfred Hitchcock would have said about that, mind.

Cheerio - back in ten days! Espana here I come!

Cool Stuff

Art has a bad wrap, and little wonder. I've never been a fan of The Turner Prize, for example, because in my opinion it's contrived and full of people trying too hard to be arty for art's sake. But there is so much cool arty stuff out there, left unappreciated by the masses because they're turned off by the elitism of the art world where people practice a lot of chin rubbing and air kissing. 

Maybe the internet will change all that. In my opinion, there is no replacement for being able to see the work of art 'in the flesh,' so to speak, but the internet certainly makes things more accessible, less stuffy and more fun. These days it's not unusual to receive an email that's doing its rounds among office folk, which is full of wow factor arty things. Makes a change from the naff jokes or 'read this and pass on or DIE' type chain mails that used to make their way into mail boxes across the land.

So, I've compiled my top five 'cool arty things' that are WELL worth checking out. I've noticed a bit of bias going on towards sculpture, for which I make no apologies. Perhaps that is because sculpture translates much better to computer screen than paintings, who knows. If you check out the following five, I guarantee that you will agree that sculpture can make your day. And I could lay money on you passing on these website links to at least one other person! Enjoy.

1. Jason de Caires Taylor. 

Check out his eerie and haunting underwater sculptures! 

Unfortunately, these amazing sculptures are not only located off the shore of some far flung Caribbean Island, they're also about thirty metres under water, so only scuba divers can really get up close and personal to them. Nevertheless, I love them and I'm looking forward to checking out the more art-lover-friendly installation that Taylor has created along the River Stour near Canterbury. Thankfully these ones can be viewed from land, as they're only at a depth of about two or three metres. You see a beautiful video of some of the sculptures off the shore of Grenada, here

2. Camille Allen's baby sculptures.

People often believe they're made out of marzipan but are, in fact, sculpted using clay similar to Fimo. I love her work. There are a number of video's on YouTube that aim to teach how to sculpt a clay baby. I've tried. It's impossible. I ended up with something that looked quite scary and not very baby-like at all.

3. Anthony Gormley

His figures, largely cast from his own body, have become his trademark. He is best known for the Angel of the North and the figures on Crosby Beach, which, last I heard, were going to be kept there for good, much to my joy. I haven't been to see them, but will do at some point. However, Londoners or visitors to the capital (specifically Westminster and Lambeth) should keep their eyes peeled, as there are figures scattered about the city, perched on the tops of enormously high buildings. I saw one of these not far from Waterloo a few months ago. It frightened me to death, as I thought it was somebody about to take a suicidal leap. I'm not sure if they're still there, but I hope so! 

4. Willard Wigan

He will blow your mind. If you only look at one of the artists listed here PLEASE look at Wigan's work. It is amazing! He has sculpted Rodin's 'The Thinker' on the head of a pin, and if that wasn't enough, he's done Henry VIII and his wives inside the eye of a needle. All I can say is, he must have awesome eyesight.

5. Ron Mueck

Aussie born Mueck is described as a hyper-realist sculptor. His sculptures not only look completely real, but he plays around with scale, producing massive babies, tiny people and miniature crotchety old women. They are brilliant and will bring a smile of wonderment to your face.